Parenting: from the past and into the future

Can we find a simpler, less stressful way?

by Gaia Grant (author of The Rhythm of Life)

"A baby is like the beginning of all things - wonder, hope, a dream of possibilities. In a world that is cutting down trees to build highways, losing its earth to concrete, babies are the only remaining link with nature, with the natural world of living things from which we spring." Eda J. Leshan

The cycle continues

Life is often described as a cycle, a circular path around which we all travel before returning to our point of origin in some way. At each stage in life, through each phase, we attempt to play out our allocated roles. At each turn of the circle, as we encounter the realities of our new position and begin to see life from a new perspective, the whole picture becomes clearer. Yet there is a point on the circle at which many people will pause to reflect before continuing, a viewpoint from which it is possible to see the return path.

That crucial point is the transformation into becoming a parent. It is often the moment of greatest truth. Suddenly the individual becomes more aware than ever that he or she is a part of the total picture.

As the newborn's matted head begins to emerge from its place of protected growth, as the slippery body comes to rest on its mother's chest, there often is an awesome feeling of responsibility that settles slowly but firmly over the new parents, making them feel privileged and connected but also bound to their new roles.

Whatever decisions will be made from this point on, whatever direction the parents take, they must consider not only themselves but also this new part of themselves, this new person they have conceived.

Suddenly, new parents may find themselves doing and saying the same things their parents did and said, becoming someone they never expected to be. Suddenly there is this new sense that there may be a mission in life of which they play an important part, and which they cannot necessarily control.

That is probably because parenting is the point at which the life cycle becomes a spiral, the point at which people individually and collectively progress and move forward (or backward), the point at which potentiality becomes actuality. It feels like a huge responsibility, and it is.

In our role as parents we demonstrate our own values and pass them on to the next generation, ready to be re-tested, re-challenged and reinvented by our children. Through our parenting practices we define and demonstrate what we ourselves feel is important, and what our culture values. Whether we are conscious of our roles as teachers or not, we are the greatest influence in our children's lives, and we are responsible for helping to shape the next generation.

The modern parenting experience

When my eldest child was a young baby, I joined a parent's group, desperate for some help and advice on what to do. We would incessantly discuss our own experiences of trying to feed, sleep and take care of a new baby. We were all overwhelmed by the practical details, but I was particularly struck by the absurdity of the modern mothering experience when there was detailed discussion about how these mothers were trying to coordinate their activities. They were unable to find the time and the ways to get the exercise they felt they needed, for example. Feeling they could not exercise if their babies were with them, they were pleased when one lady recommended a fitness centre with childcare. The initial enthusiasm to the apparently perfect solution was soon dampened, however, when they discovered the centre was up some steep stairs, and they would be unable to easily carry their prams up.

It seems many new parents today have to deal with some of the difficulties of modern child care; the elaborate equipment, the complicated procedures and the heavy responsibilities. Most also struggle with the distinctions between what they feel is right, and what they're told is best.

The parenting experience today can be both a dream and a nightmare. Although most parents adore their children and would do anything for them, there are so many pressures on the modern parent - work pressures, time pressures, social expectations - that it's difficult for parents to have the social support they need and feel that they can adequately perform all of the roles that they are expected to perform along with their parenting roles.

The tensions and stresses can be exacerbated by the fact that there doesn' t seem to be a place for children in our society. We supposedly focus on the needs of the child through providing specialised fun parks, amusement centres, games, media materials and education facilities. But perhaps without realising it, we are depriving our children of significant adult contact and participation in regular daily life events and feeling the guilt and alienation ourselves of being separated from our children for significant periods of time.

Because children are not encouraged or even permitted to participate fully in every part of our daily lives, as we work and play, they are not able to benefit from our constant presence and learn directly from us, and we are often not able to feel as close to our children as we might need or hope to be. Alternatively, by choosing to be "at home" with our children, parents and children may end up feeling isolated and frustrated.

What is it, in our society, that makes the whole process so difficult and so alien for the new parent? Is this a universal experience?

The fact is that for the greater period of history around the world, and in the majority of the world's societies today, the parenting experience has been and continues to be vastly different. In so many traditional societies, child rearing appears to be simpler and less stressful. Parenting is not a separate, time consuming and intense task. Adults apparently do not experience parenting as a heavy burden, it is more positive and inclusive, natural and intuitive. In these societies also, many children seem happier and able to shoulder more responsibility.

The modern complications and difficulties are just not apparent, for example, in the Indonesian community I live near in Bali. In Balinese society, women are able to observe and learn from the other parents they live with in their extended family compounds. They are able to rely on these family members for practical assistance with child care and work. The children can remain with their mothers or other community members as they work and through their leisure time, and both the child's and the mothers' needs are often fulfilled through a common participation in regular daily activities.

Mothers in Bali would have no cause to sit around worrying about how they are will get their baby and pram upstairs to attend an exercise program. The closest scenario might be to consider how they and their family of five will ride across the island for hours on a motor bike in the rain and through the night to attend an early morning ceremony. There is no need to discuss these apparently difficult acrobatics, though, as these women will simply go ahead with what has to be done.

The place our children have in our society and the ways we rear them reflect who we are, what we value and where we are going. Through learning about the values that are reflected in the child rearing practices of other societies and comparing them with our own, we can evaluate the modern parenting experience more clearly. By looking to traditional societies that have maintained a simple structure and lifestyle, we can reconnect with our own roots. We can feel and sense the natural "rhythms" of life - the beliefs and values which connect us and give us a sense of purpose - and pass these on to our children.

A secure base for development

After an initial period of bonding after birth, most parents and their children will start to experience different forms of separation. This is one of the first areas which is likely to cause internal (and possibly external) conflict for the new parent.

In our society it is common practice to separate our babies in bassinets and cots in nurseries as they sleep, in playpens and high chairs as they eat and play, and in prams and strollers as they accompany us outside the home. Many children will also become separated from one or both parents by their respective work commitments.

The practice in western societies of separating babies from their mothers at birth originated in the early 1900s for hygienic reasons. A psychological emphasis by the 1920s meant that parents were encouraged to continue to isolate their children to ensure they weren't going to be "spoiled".

Even though many modern parents will want to keep their children close to them, they will find it difficult to cope with the imposition on their time and sense of personal space. They will also, eventually, be likely to feel the pressure to teach the child to be independent.

In traditional cultures, however, close contact is encouraged, and such intimacy in fact seems to provide the child with the security she or he needs to feel confident to explore the world beyond. Such approaches actually encourage interdependence rather than an independent self-reliance.

Providing comfort for the child is the parent's main goal, and so they learn to recognise signs of distress and respond accordingly. But crying has come to be accepted as a normal part of childhood in our society. Children are said to be overstimulated, and parents are told to ignore the crying by blocking it out or muffling it behind closed doors.

In many other cultures parents immediately respond to their innate feelings of distress when their child is distressed, and the extent of crying that we associate with childhood is unknown. In Guatemala, for example, you would rarely hear a young baby crying. In fact, because babies are tucked away in large colourful shawls on their mothers' backs and immediately swung around to the front for nursing at the slightest murmur, their presence is difficult to detect. In many of these societies, children most often appear settled and content, and crying is the exception rather than the rule.

Maintaining a close physical bond with the young baby through holding and carrying the child close to the body, and maintaining that intimacy through continued positive physical contact, is one way of staying 'in touch'. Keeping the young child close as the parents eat, sleep, work and play not only helps them to be more sensitive to her needs, but also allows her to learn from the parents and grow with them, and helps to enhance the child's feelings of security and belonging.

Flexible child care...

Because there are artificial time constraints in our own lives, we often need to impose these on our child care practices, and this can also contribute to our feelings of frustration and stress as parents.

In our daily lives we are constantly complaining of how 'short' time is and how it 'flies'. If we feel that the time we have is not used constructively it is said to have been 'wasted', and we are constantly 'running out of' this apparently limited commodity. But it is not the speed of time that has dramatically increased, it is the speed at which we live our lives.

We are unable to simply let time pass and to go with its flow because our emphasis is on 'making the most of our time' and 'using time wisely'. Which means, in reality, that we must work as many hours as possible to earn the money we need to enjoy the rest of our time, which is then spent rushing around trying to relax and unwind.

Our patterns of sleep, too, do not conform to the natural day/night rhythms of light and darkness or our own body clocks, but are manufactured to fit in with artificial time constraints, and are restricted through the tyranny of time. But once we learn to allow time to pass naturally without feeling we must measure and conserve it, we should benefit more from the restorative properties of sleep, and sleep will no longer be seen as a sacred but scarce commodity.

Where there is no distinct division between work and play, there is no need to budget time so tightly. And where time is not strictly monitored, it is no longer the enemy of daily activity but simply a signpost to what has been and what is to come. Cultures which work on "rubber time", such as the Indonesian and Filipino, emphasise the importance of relationships over more arbitrary commitments, and are able to make the most of the moment and fully enjoy and appreciate their time with others.

These cultures do not have the incredibly strong emphasis on the child's sleep and their parent's lack of it, which dominates in the concerns and conversations of young families here. Sleep should no longer be viewed as the main indicator of how 'good' a baby is or how well a parent is coping with parenthood. And our children should not be forced to fit into patterns of sleep which go against their natural rhythms.

The practice of sleeping with the child, which is the usual practice for families in around 90% of societies around the world, is the simple, natural solution. Only in modern western families is the child separated from the parents and left to sleep in a room of its own. In the parents' bed, with the constant comfort of and contact with the parents, sleeping can be relaxed and undisturbed.

In so many cultures in so many places around the world, time is arbitrary. It is not measured, it is not conformed to, it is not revered. The passing of time is a natural by-product of daily activity, rather than the director of it. It is not an emotionally charged concept, but a matter of fact expression.

Children who are nurtured in such an environment are not rushed and organised in an artificial way. Their feeding, sleeping and waking patterns are determined by their own natural body clock rhythms. As they grow up with and absorb this experience of time, they become more relaxed and less stressed about daily life events.

The practices reflect the principles

All of our childcare practices reflect the principles that are important to us.

When we isolate and separate children, we are ultimately making the statement that adults and children do not belong together as a community. We are not allowing the community to function in the supportive way it can and should function, as way of providing practical social backup for individual parents and families.

Through considering each family and each person within the family as isolated individuals rather than as an integral part of the extended family and the wider community, we are also emphasising independence over interdependence, competition over cooperation.

Although independence is a valued trait in modern society, we seem to fail to realise that, firstly, independence cannot be forced, and, secondly, that the emphasis on independence can affect our relationships with others.

Other cultures do not force independence, but rather nurture the child closely through the early years so that there is a secure base for development later. The connection with others is emphasised so that the child might know its place in the community network and feel an integral part of this network. This, then, gives individuals a solid sense of identity and purpose.

Traditionally the Chinese, for example, believed that a person was complete in the context of community. The individual was defined in relation to others, but was not overshadowed by the community, rather being fulfilled and fully recognised in this context.

By immediately responding to a child's needs rather than being ambivalent or ambiguous in our responses, we are communicating to the child a constant and consistent love which is open and unconditional. In so many cultures, as diverse as the !Kung of West Africa or the Anbarra Aboriginals of Australia, excessive warmth and affection characterise the early years. Other cultures which are less openly affectionate, such as the Yequana of South America, are nevertheless consistent and caring in their acceptance of the child.

Through working together as families and as communities, we can begin to more adequately support both the parents and their children. Consistent and caring acceptance of all members of a family and their needs should lead to mutually beneficial development. A more community oriented approach to child rearing should help to assure this happens. Future considerations in child rearing will need to include emotional support for parents, child care cooperatives, work based child care, community sharing of resources, and community centred work and play environments for both adults and children.

Pass it on

As caretakers of our society, as the ones who prepare future generations, we are the ones who have the position and power to bring about change. It is our privilege and responsibility to learn the rhythm and pass it on. And the process will be most successful when we can recognise the part we play in the wider network.

When we, as a society and as individuals:

* refocus on the importance of having a sense of meaning, purpose and identity

* regain a connection with the natural rhythms of life

* consider the importance of beliefs and values in providing consistency and continuity

* appreciate that through our child rearing practices we are passing on values for life

* understand that there is no single 'correct' way to bring up children, but rather a range of positive principles or 'approaches' to child care which can provide a constructive basis for decision making for parents

* remember that through our child rearing practices we can be teaching our children how to live, not just how to survive

* appreciate the value of looking to and learning from other cultures

* learn to value cooperation and interdependence over competition and individualism or independence

* recognise our responsibility by exemplifying and teaching values

then we can experience and pass on the rhythms of life. We can take important parenting principles from the past and into the future, to ensure the spiral moves in a positive direction and the values cycle continues from generation to generation.

Gaia Grant

The Rhythm of Life

Published by Transworld $19.95

The Rhythm of Life by Gaia Grant is a revealing journey into other cultures, exploring a mother's struggle to find simple, inexpensive and less stressful approaches to parenting.

Gaia Grant and her husband Andrew direct Tirian Innovative Communications which specialises in training people in communication skills and group and personal development. Her work has led her to many unique cultures and a variety of different types of groups, from children's to adults' groups, from aid organisations to corporations. She and her husband have co-authored the Indian Schools Total Health program, which has now reached over 35 million children in India. When not travelling they live between the rural life of Bali and the city life of Sydney, where they continue to write and teach. They are highly commended speakers and are available for seminars and consultation. They can be contacted by email at tirian@bigpond.com

Gaia Grant 1998 Parenting: from the past and into the future 19/03/98 p1

Tirian 116 Queenscliff Rd Queenscliff Sydney 2096 email tirian@bigpond.com