Party time
How to get twice the value - Gaia Grant
My children and I have been to two birthday parties this week.
The first was for a little boy, Saixana, whose family is originally from Laos but who has grown up in the United States and other countries around the world. The second was for a little Balinese boy, Agus.
An international community of people was represented at the first party. The children’s parents were from countries as diverse as Malaysia, Switzerland, America, France, Canada, Italy, Austria, Scotland, Algeria, Germany, Indonesia and Australia. But although the mix of children was distinctly multicultural, the party language was universal. The party was held at McDonald’s, and the children played on the playground equipment before participating in “Pin the tail on the donkey” and “Pass the parcel”. Everyone ate cheeseburgers and chips and drank coke, before the chocolate cake was candled, cut and eagerly devoured. The frantic present opening followed, and then the final ritual was the giving out of balloons and lolly bags as the children departed. Every child present seemed to have an awareness of the standard procedures for this style of birthday, and eagerly launched into each phase as it was announced.
The Balinese birthday, at which we were the only non-Balinese guests, had a distinctly different flavour, but followed the same general formula. At the second party, in a simple Balinese village, the hyperactive children were there, as were the decorations, games, foods, and present giving and receiving. The family compound was decorated with streamers and balloons, as well as with intricately patterned hand cut decorative coconut leaf strips. The children played chasings and all took turns at miming traditional Balinese dances, the little boys moving their limbs with the stiff jerky movements of the masked male dancers, the little girls curling their fingers, swaying their hips and tilting their heads.Traditional Balinese food was offered, including rice and fried soy been patties along with the popular krupuks, or fried prawn chips, and green coloured sticky rice sweets flavoured with coconut and palm sugar. The whole ceremony was much simpler. The present giving was quite a bit less lavish - a small packet of chips or a tiny plastic toy was about as much as most of the guests could afford , and obviously a birthday cake was too much of an extravagance, but otherwise the approach was fairly consistent with the first party.
The children all had a great time, of course. Although she is still a preschooler, my little one is already quite a birthday party veteran, and each of these parties had all the right ingredients to meet her standards.
The birthday party formula
Most children these days, all around the world, seem to have a preconception of what a birthday party should be all about. The birthday party has, in fact, become an established institution which follows a fairly standard formula. Of course there is now a great variety of concepts and themes to work around - anything from Balinese to batman, fairies to face painting, clowns to castles, magic to MacDonald’s - and anything else in between. Just check the kids’ classifieds for the latest and greatest trends in birthday parties.
The basic ingredients which help to make a contemporary birthday party successful, however, are a group of excited party goers and a few predictable party tricks. Just add these together and wait five mintues before seeing the results - a potent mix of hyperactive, satisfied children. The party tricks should include suitable decorations, some free play with a few organised games, lots of sickly sweet food treats and the present giving and receiving. Useful extras are dressing up, some good music, and maybe a little entertainment, depending on the age and stage of the children.
These rituals are the contemporary way of celebrating important phases in the child’s development.
They have become modern rites of passage, simple ways of recognising growth and change.
Rites and rituals
So how representative is the modern party of its traditional forerunner? Traditionally, in many cultures around the world, celebrations to recognise growth and change were fundamental ways of indicating individual development and community concern. Many of the elements of the modern formula have their roots in these traditional ceremonies.
Balinese families today will often actually have two separate ceremonies to represent the two diverging traditions. As well as his regular birthday party, young Agus has also had a more formal religious ceremony to mark his Balinese birthday. Because the Balinese calendar does not match the Gregorian one, one Balinese year passing after 210 days, each birth celebration was held at different times.
There was a definite air of excitement as the extended family and friends gathered for Agus’ second Balinese birthday. Each guest was dressed in traditional Balinese clothes, a Chinese collared white or cream shirt and sarong with gold material overlaid and sash for the boys and men, and a long sleaved tight lace shirt with sarong for the women. The family compound was appropriately decorated, with a raised bamboo platform lined with patterned coconut leaf trimmings taking centre stage. The platform was laden with food and flower offerings for the gods and the family, colourful mounds each heaped upon the other. Guests also brought monetary gifts, which were added to the display with each arrival. Special rituals were conducted, perhaps performing a similar function to the modern games but with a distinct religious and cultural significance. At his first ceremony, Agus was placed before a large pool of water with coins inside. His task was to collect the money from the water, symbolically ensuring his future well-being and prosperity.
At each ceremony a priest formally blesses the child with wafts of incense and splashes of holy water. The food that has been offered - fruits, crackers, and cakes - is then shared around, along with the delicately spiced unique ceremonial food, the lawar.
Giving and receiving
So the decorations, games, foods, and present giving and receiving were all still present. There was even some “dressing up” for the occasion, and more affluent or better connected families would have music and entertainment as well. The same air of anticipation and excitement that pervades the modern party was certainly there.
But there were significant differences, as well. One difference was that the whole community was present, not just the child and the child’s friends. This meant that the community was aware of and involved in each stage of development. The ceremony was also more than simply a fun way to enter a new year, it actually symbolically transported the child into the next stage and into the future. The religious purpose of the ceremony meant that the child was initiated into the beliefs and traditions of the community.
Other countries and cultures will similarly recognise both the religous and social importance of each passing year of life. The giving and receiving at the traditional ceremonies highlight the significance of the event.
Within the first year, for example, a Chinese family would traditionally have held a feast and would have invited family and friends to celebrate, who would then give special gifts to the young child. Twenty painted duck eggs and sweet cakes were the standard offering, and later round biscuits would be given to the guests by the family in return. A party is held at the end of the first year, and then every year after that throughout childhood. The maternal grandmother organises the family meal and the presents. A series of toys, each representing the tool of a different occupation, are placed before the child, and the whichever toy is picked up first is an indication of of the future character, position, and social status of the child. An offering is also given to god, known as “Mother”, and thanks are made to the ancestral tablets.
Twice the impact
The fun and the festivities have become an essential part of the yearly birthday event. That is what every child anxiously anticipates from one long year to the next. The days, weeks, and months that must accumulate before children can immerse themselves in the direct attention of those around them are painstakingly slow, and should appropriately climax in a festive occasion.
But wouldn’t it be great to also add the second, deeper dimension to our celebrations. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if, as well as being able to enjoy the event, our children could also understand the significance of the passing of time, and appreciate the progress into new phases of life. Without taking away from the lighthearted fun and fantasy of the modern birthday celebration, it should be possible to find ways to reclaim the social and spiritual significance of traditional birthday celebrations.
A twenty first birthday may have these two dimensions, a fun party for friends, and a more formal family celebration with relatives, at which time significant presents may be given which hint at the emerging adult’s future direction, and the symbolic giving and receiving of the “house key” indicates the changing status of the individual.
Contemporary birthday celebrations can be twice the fun, have twice as much meaning, and have double the impact. And after all that waiting, what child wouldn’t jump at the chance to celebrate their birthday twice?
By Gaia Grant
Author of “The Rhythm of Life”, a revealing journey to other cultures to discover their parenting secrets. The book explores natural, community-oriented approaches to parenting, with practical ideas on how we can integrate these into our own society.